Fear & Forgiveness: One More Step On The Journey To Love
Last night’s session touched on some very difficult topics for me. 5 ½ years ago I terminated an unplanned pregnancy. My partner and I were not married and although we had regularly discussed marriage and he totally adores children my fears overwhelmed me and I decided not to go through with it. He said that he would support me no matter what decision I made. We went through with the procedure and it was never really talked about again. Every year around the time that I would have been due I think about how old my baby would have been. Every time a friend is pregnant or someone asks me when I am going to have children I think about it. It is always there haunting me. In recent months my partner has indicated that he thinks of it often as well and has also indicated that he is sorry for the decision we made.
Last night we tried to identify some of my fears that lead to my decision.
- I was afraid of what my mom would think, having a child before getting married.
- I was afraid that I would be a terrible mom.
- I was afraid that at some point in the future I would be faced with the situation of being a single mom just like my mom had when I was in my early teens.
Growing up I had two parents that I loved very much and they loved me but when I was twelve years old their relationship started to fall apart and at fourteen my dad left. My parents did not split amicably and my mom has struggled ever since to recover emotionally. I feel that I took on the role of caring for my mom in many ways as she cried often and seemed too weak to stand up to my father’s antics. In turn this had a negative impact on my high school years and my own person reflections on relationships with men and my ability to trust someone to love me. I was very fortunate to have been surrounded by very good friends.
This thought often crosses my mind, “No one is ever going to love me forever, no one ever has up to this point and therefore no one ever will”.
I know that I can’t change the past and I must find a way to forgive myself if I want to grow into the beautiful person I was meant to be.
You can clutch the past so tightly to your chest that it leaves your arms too full to embrace the present. ~Jan Glidewell